


Christopher Robin clashes with 30 H's Harry Potter

by Hitlertheduck



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Winnie the Pooh's Home Run Derby (Video Game)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:19:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23867401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hitlertheduck/pseuds/Hitlertheduck
Summary: Two Gods battle for the right to dominate humanity and also William Shakespeare arm wrestles with Elton John somewhere in there I guess





	Christopher Robin clashes with 30 H's Harry Potter

It was a bright and sunny day in the hundred-acre woods, that is, if you could ignore all of the dead bodies strewn about. Across the forest lay piles and piles of corpses of wild animals, and who was standing in the center of it all?

Christopher, motherfucking, Robin.

In one hand he held a baseball bat and in the other hand he held a baseball. Both of these objects were stained with blood and one only had to take one look around to know why.

All of Christopher’s victims had attempted to challenge his reign over the hundred-acre wood and they paid the price for their insolence. He was looking down on his latest victim, Winnie the Pooh, right now.

Pooh looked around at his friends corpses, then he looked at Christopher.

Pooh got down on his knees and begged “please Christopher, have mercy.”

The boy looked at Pooh and said, “God has mercy, but I’ve already surpassed God.” 

Before Pooh could even scream, his head was caved in with a baseball bat. The top half of Pooh’s head was gone and oceans of blood sprayed out of it.

Christopher Robin didn’t even blink at the sight before him, in fact he was rather bored with all of this. He snapped his fingers and all of the corpses came together to form a throne for the boy to sit on. 

As he sat there, he pondered to himself “isn’t there anyone who can give me a challenge worth my time?”

His question was soon answered when a flaming red portal opened up in front of him. Out of this portal fell an old school television set. 

Christopher went to investigate this TV but was blown back when a boy his age burst out of the TV in an explosion made of guacamole and Cheese puffs. 

Christopher Robin sensed immense power coming from this boy, could it be possible that he might finally get what he’s looking for?

“State your name or be slayed by me” declared Christopher Robin

“My name is Harry Potter and I’m here to take my place on the throne of which you sit.”

Christopher Robin was intrigued by this, he felt no fear or hesitation inside a single cell of Harry’s body so he figured, might as well play along.

He then stood up and said, “you may try if you wish.”

A baseball bat materialized in his hands and he swung it at Harry’s head. 

At hypersonic speeds, Harry reached into his crotch and pulled out his groin saw. He then blocked Christopher’s attack before either of them had the chance to blink. The impact was so great that it caused the entirety of the hundred-acre woods to burst into flames.

“You actually blocked my attack, seems like you might actually be entertaining diversion for a few minutes” said Christopher Robin

Harry didn’t say anything, instead he pulled out a pair of flip flops. He spread peanut butter and jelly on the soles of these flip flops and took a bite. His belly then grew several sizes.

“I’m pregnant with Richard Nixon’s baby” said Harry

Christopher wondered what that could mean, and he got an answer when Harry’s stomach burst open and an exact duplicate of Richard Nixon burst out, only this time he had a T-Rex head and a missile launcher for his right hand.

“No one messes with my dad and gets away with it” said T-rex Nixon 

The president then shot a missile at Christopher Robin only for Chris to hit it back at T-rex Nixon, the resulting explosion sending him flying into the sun.

Pooh’s former friend then materialized a baseball in his hand and threw it at the boy who lived. Harry then caught the baseball and crushed it in his hand.

Harry pulled out a pouch of purple kool aid and poured it on his groin saw. This caused the groin saw to glow with a purple aura. 

He had just created the delta groin saw.

Harry lunged at Christopher Robin and Chris raised his baseball bat to defend himself. They both clashed with their weapons against each other. The delta groin saw against the baseball bat. It seemed like both of them were practically made for each other. 

Both Harry and Christopher kept on swinging and swinging their weapons at the other faster than the speed of sound. It was as if they were both wielding a dozen weapons at the same time. 

Harry started picking up speed and so did Chris, until their repeating slashes got so heated that it caused the planet that they were on to melt into goo. Now they were floating in space.

Christopher then froze time and summoned an infinite number of baseballs. He then snapped his fingers and time started to move again.

All of the baseballs shot towards Harry and he had no choice but to take each and every blow that got dished out to him. 

This made Christopher Robin bust a nut laughing. His sperm then instantly grew into a bunch of clones of himself and all of them attacked Harry at once with their baseball bats.  
Harry was getting beaten down until he noticed that one of the clones had a coin slot in their head. He pulled a quarter from his pocket and inserted it into the clone’s head.   
The clone of Christopher Robin then proceeded to mutate into a large, two story, house. 

Harry ran inside of the house and found a family of four people eating a pizza on a table. He rushed over and started devouring the people in the house with his own teeth and left the pizza exactly as it was.

After Harry was done, he had to go take a shit. He got to the toilet and nothing came out but a large blast of air.

This excited Harry immensely, before him lied the weapon to surpass the fuckslayer. It was the weapon known as the air fuckslayer. A guitar that shines so bright that it’s invisible.  
Harry then grabbed air fuckslayer and remembered what his dad, Yogi Bear, told him before he died.

“Harry, you have to rape Voldemort, only then will the world be safe” Yogi then swallowed a napkin and died in Harry’s arms.

Harry then went towards the table, jumped on the pizza like a surfboard, and flew in Christopher Robin’s direction, decapitating all his clones along the way.  
After a while, Harry finally got to Christopher Robin. 

“So, Harry, it looks like you beat all of my clones, and found a new weapon on top of it”

Harry just nodded and said “aye.”

“Too bad that you’re only running on borrowed time, for I’ve got a little surprise of my own”

Space was then illuminated by a bright pink flash of light, and Christopher Robin stripped naked and put on a pink dress. His hair then sprouted two long brown twin tails, he then put on a pair of white gloves, a pair of pink roller skates, and finally, a pair of pink bows. His baseball bat turned pink with Hello Kitty stickers on it. 

Magical Girl Christopher Robin had arrived to take center stage.

Harry then played a song on air fuckslayer which caused a bunch of paper plates to appear in midair. It then started to rain which made all of these paper plates wet. Harry then ordered them to attack Christopher Robin.

Since getting paper plates wet increases their power by 110% that meant that they would be able to slay any enemy in a matter of seconds.

Unfortunately, their enemy was Christopher Robin, so he just used his Hello Kitty baseball bat to get rid of them all with one swing. 

He then skated on the air towards Harry and swung his bat hard enough that it made Harry’s teeth come flying out. Chris then gathered up these teeth and put them inside of a pinata.

He put a blindfold on Harry, a bat (not the hello kitty one) in his hands and started cheering for him to hit the pinata. 

Harry hit the pinata but unfortunately Christopher Robin was unaware of the fact that inside of each of Harry’s teeth was a nuclear bomb and this caused the majority of planets in the solar system to be destroyed.

Harry Potter then pulled out his air fuckslayer and electrocuted Christopher Robin. This caused Christopher Robin to get a boner that was infinite inches long.  
Christopher then began duel wielding his boner and his hello kitty bat, in an attempt to turn Harry into well prepared sushi. 

In response Harry brought out his delta groin saw and air fuckslayer to combat him with.

They once again exchanged blows, but this time was different, due to all the damage that they’d received over the fight, it made their DNA unstable.

With each and every blow, parry, and thrust, Harry and Chris started to melt into each other more and more like ice cream until their bodies fused into one.

This created a new being of pure hatred known as Christopharry Rotter. He looked at all of the destroyed planets in the galaxy and smiled.

He then snapped his fingers which caused all of the planets to form into a galactic throne for him to sit on, content with his new status and form.

And so anyways, that’s the story of why kids love the taste of cinnamon toast crunch.


End file.
